My first final is tomorrow, and surprisingly I'm not nervous or stressed out. Maybe it's just old hat to me now, I don't know. Or maybe I have accepted that I will not make high grades in law school. However, I feel like I will be doing my best when I take these exams.
Sure, I could have studied more, read more, slept less, stressed more, outlined more, memorized more, etc. But I am happy with myself, and I refuse to put myself on a guilt trip and get upset.
I realized the other day how different law school graduation in May will be from undergrad graduation. When I graduated undergrad (Summa Cum Laude, 7th in the class), I was berating myself for not getting all A's - for not working harder in the 3 classes that I made B's. For not being 6th, or 5th, or 4th, or 3rd.
Yet this graduation, I will be pleased as punch to be graduating at all. I'm pretty sure that I am somewhere in the middle of the class, and I'm ok with that. I won't be counting how many people are in front of me, I won't be wishing I had more extracurriculars on my resume, and I won't be upset with myself for not having special honors or achievements. I'll be smiling just as much as #1 when I walk across and take my diploma.
Law school has been the hardest thing I have ever, ever done. I have stretched myself FAR beyond the point that I thought I could stretch. I have pushed myself, abused myself, gone from emotional highs to very dark lows. But I've made it through.
And looking back, I'm proud at the strength that I've shown. Would I ever pick this road again if I could do it over? Absolutely not. But I am surprised at the tenacity and the inner fortitude that law students are forced to develop.
I have changed in ways that I don't like. I've become less emotional (almost cold sometimes), and I've become even LESS sociable that I was before. I don't trust people, and I have very little hope for this world.
But I feel like, once I graduate, I will be able to find the fun side of me again. I'll be able to be almost anything that I want to be and do anything I want to do. I'll have free time again. I'll be able to read novels again. I'll be able to have a few hobbies again. I'll make money again!
And I'll be back home.
All that's standing between me and home is two more rounds of finals. :)
I love you, Anna. I love your honesty, realism, perseverance, and most of all, your unapologetic and unshakable love for the Lord. No matter what your resume could say about you, it would never say enough about how amazingly wonderful you are. I am so proud to call you my friend, and that has nothing to do with your law school success. However, I am happy to see that you have recognized that you have been successful in law school, no matter where you stand amongst the class.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Dawn Marie
I wish you well on all your finals, and it looks as if you've come to terms with not being first in the class. Good for you as we are to be content in what ever situation He puts us in. I'll be back to see how you did.
ReplyDeleteI'd still encourage you to look my blog over and see if it's something that you'd like to read from time to time and if so ... sign up as a follower. If not...that's ok to.
@covnitkepr1 Thank you. And I have looked at your blog. I've bookmarked it for future reference. :)
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