My first final is tomorrow, and surprisingly I'm not nervous or stressed out. Maybe it's just old hat to me now, I don't know. Or maybe I have accepted that I will not make high grades in law school. However, I feel like I will be doing my best when I take these exams.
Sure, I could have studied more, read more, slept less, stressed more, outlined more, memorized more, etc. But I am happy with myself, and I refuse to put myself on a guilt trip and get upset.
I realized the other day how different law school graduation in May will be from undergrad graduation. When I graduated undergrad (Summa Cum Laude, 7th in the class), I was berating myself for not getting all A's - for not working harder in the 3 classes that I made B's. For not being 6th, or 5th, or 4th, or 3rd.
Yet this graduation, I will be pleased as punch to be graduating at all. I'm pretty sure that I am somewhere in the middle of the class, and I'm ok with that. I won't be counting how many people are in front of me, I won't be wishing I had more extracurriculars on my resume, and I won't be upset with myself for not having special honors or achievements. I'll be smiling just as much as #1 when I walk across and take my diploma.
Law school has been the hardest thing I have ever, ever done. I have stretched myself FAR beyond the point that I thought I could stretch. I have pushed myself, abused myself, gone from emotional highs to very dark lows. But I've made it through.
And looking back, I'm proud at the strength that I've shown. Would I ever pick this road again if I could do it over? Absolutely not. But I am surprised at the tenacity and the inner fortitude that law students are forced to develop.
I have changed in ways that I don't like. I've become less emotional (almost cold sometimes), and I've become even LESS sociable that I was before. I don't trust people, and I have very little hope for this world.
But I feel like, once I graduate, I will be able to find the fun side of me again. I'll be able to be almost anything that I want to be and do anything I want to do. I'll have free time again. I'll be able to read novels again. I'll be able to have a few hobbies again. I'll make money again!
And I'll be back home.
All that's standing between me and home is two more rounds of finals. :)