Friday, October 22, 2010

I've come to the conclusion that I am absolutely horrible at staying in touch with people and connecting with people on an emotional level. Sometimes I feel like I just don't care even though I know that I do care about people very, very much. But most of the time, I'm just content that my family and Chris understands me. It shouldn't be that way, though.

I don't rely on people. I'm very independent. I'm also very judgmental. The person may never know that I am being judgmental, but I am judging them nonetheless. I say that I am just trying to figure them out, but I'm making conclusions about people before I've seen enough facts to help me truly decide what type of person they really are. That's judging.

And what's even worse is that I really don't know how to change it. I am super picky about who I become good friends with, and I really don't know that many people that I would want to be good friends with let alone trust them with my secret emotions or thoughts. I think I am afraid of being judged myself, so I put up this inner barrier.

Many people don't even realize that I have this barrier in place, and I haven't always. It's just been in the past couple years, after living on my own and taking care of myself, that I have really started to shut people out. Especially after being treated badly by people that I have been very, very close to in the past. I feel like I am protecting myself from being vulnerable, because what could possibly be worse than being vulnerable?? (*sarcasm*)

I've been spending a lot of time online lately... not even interacting with people, just staying within my own thoughts mostly. And that DEFINITELY isn't helping me connect with real people face to face. If anything, I'm seeing people online (through blogs, tumblrs, etc.) that I WANT to be friends with, but it's kinda hard to be close friends with someone who you never actually see in person.

I just feel uninteresting. I feel like I put up a facade of interestingness to make people think that I actually AM interesting, but I also have a wall built up so that it's very difficult for someone to ever see the real me. Because if they see the real me, they may not think I'm interesting anymore. And then no one will want to be my friend.

It's all a big sad circle actually. I want to be closer to people, but I'm afraid of letting my guard down and possibly be considered uninteresting.

What a conundrum.

This has been a pointless post.


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