Thursday, November 8, 2012

Make Something Beautiful

       Lots of things have been happening recently. And lots of thoughts have been bopping around in my head. My brain has started to feel kinda cluttered up recently with everything that I'm trying to keep up there, and I haven't been taking time to keep all my thoughts organized. So this post is cathartic in a way so that I can clear my head a little and put things in their place.

1. I'm basically unemployed right now. I've applied for so many jobs, and I'm not even getting acknowledgments from most of the places I've sent resumes to. It's very discouraging, but I keep applying to whatever I can find that I qualify for and that I can even remotely see myself doing. I have been doing some contract work here and there, and I have a few projects lined up for the next couple months. But I miss a steady paycheck, and I miss stability.

2. I have a case of the travel bug really terribly right now. I went to California back in August (first time to the west coast), and I fell in love. And I want to go back so badly! I especially want to go back to San Francisco and be able to spend more than just a few hours there. The view from the Golden Gate Bridge at sunset simply took my breath away and left me speechless. I can't wait to stand there again. I also made a few new friends when I was in Cali, and I would love to be able to see them again and build a stronger, deeper friendship.

3. It's difficult being 27 and living back at home. It makes me feel like I've failed at life somewhere. It's very disconcerting and disappointing. Don't get me wrong; I dearly love my parents, and I love being able to spend so much time with them. But I'm also closing in on 30 and wanting to get my life and my career and hopefully a future family of my own happening soon. (And if my Pinterest boards are any indication, I'm also wanting my own place so I can decorate the crap out of it!!)

4. Because of being unemployed for almost 6 months now and because of those above-mentioned feelings of failure, I've been questioning a lot of my life choices recently. I wonder if I pursued the wrong degree, if I went to the wrong school, if I didn't push hard enough in school, etc. I regret some of the relationships in the past I've had with people and some of the friendships that I ruined because of my pride and my lack of empathy. I truly am sorry for that. A lot has happened in the last 10 months or so to make me take a very harsh look at myself, weigh my own character, and come up lacking. It's discouraging to see me making the same bad decisions that I made years ago and not breaking so easily from destructive cycles.

5. But, the good news is that I am seeing some small changes happening in my self in the past few months. It's too early for me to declare that I have learned my lessons and that I have changed, but there are some positive things happening. And I can only thank God for those. Because I'm a pretty nasty human being when we get down to it. My thoughts and my heart can be so hard and cold sometimes. But thank God for His grace and His mercy when I don't deserve it, and thank God for every good and perfect gift that He gives me despite my own filthiness.

6. Overall, despite the current disappointments, my life is good. Very good. And I have been doing lots of fun things and hanging out with some AMAZING people. Hopefully I will get some life motivation and direction soon. I'm ready to be passionate about life again and be excited to make things happen. And to make something beautiful. :)