Living back at home and in Georgia is harder than I was expecting it to be. I don't have any friends here anymore. They've either moved away or we've grown so different that we aren't friends anymore. I've never been one to make friends easily, especially when not given many opportunities to do so.
I see groups of people all out together at restaurants just talking and eating and having fun. And I'm jealous. I wish I knew what it is that makes me so different from them - why I can't be in a group like that. Anytime that I have had a group of friends to hang out with like that, I've had to force it to happen, it seems. I'm not naturally a social person, but I love being social. What I mean by that is that I'm not comfortable making the first move and being the one to start talking first. But I love being around people and watching them and listening to them. I feel like I have to make a tremendous effort to step out on my own and make new friends.
When I was at my first Law School, my now friend Mike made the first move. He started talking non-stop the first day of orientation. And because of him, our group was made. And it was a great group. I miss the friendship there. At my second Law School, I already had a friend there and sort of hung out with him and his friends first. Then I hung out with my roommates' friends. But there are very few people that I know that are "my" friends - "my" friends because I made the effort to keep the relationship going.
I don't know why it's so hard for me.
I remember that, in college, I was very introverted and quiet my first two years. And I got like I am now - depressed about the lack of friends and lack of social life. So my New Year's Resolution in my sophomore year was to "be outgoing." And I forced myself into that happy, social butterfly mold. I made many, many friends - a handful of which are still my friends today. Apparently I did such a great job playing the role of social butterfly that some people started to believe that I actually WAS a social butterfly. An acquaintance of mine saw me at some point during my first year of law school (when I had reverted back to introverted Anna) and was so confused and thought something was wrong with me because I was basically being myself. He had never seen me be myself.
So this is the problem. When I am myself - quiet and introverted - I have no social life and very few friends. When I am not myself - social butterfly, cheery, etc. - I have many friends but few who actually know me.
I really need to do some heavy thinking to decide what to do at this point.